09:51

first time on ilford hp5+ disposable

12:59

Free Bird

12:28

love at 20

11:40

21

12:43

a montage

14:42

shadow (unfinished)

09:33

zip it

take me over by ari roar

i haven't written to anyone, including myself for one to two months. i would point my finger on the assignments that are indeed stacking right infront of my brain, but they are not entirely at fault. here i am typing fragments of views that i have gained throughout my hiatus while sitting on a toilet seat -- classy.

my health has strained me a little, but that's not to say that i should stop writing completely, now does it? it's May, who have i become? i am not lazy at all, not a bit, i have been on the grind since tasks were given a month ago. have i grown? well, my hair is longer... it was auburn, then blonde, then black. i still have the tendency to care about what others think though, need to work on that again. however, due to the constant flow of reminder how i shouldn't and the ultimate fact that they don't inspires me to be more of an I than a me these days.

I vs. me is one of the symbolic interactionism theories. for those who are not familiar, 'I' is somewhat carefree and instinctual -- does not take shit from others. whereas 'me' is socially aware and more deliberative. after learning this theory, an epiphany lit up like a light bulb; i have two sides of me when i am around certain groups of people, i am not entirely myself when i am with close friends too... so who am 'I'? mind you, one cannot simultaneously be 'I' and 'me', it's impossible. so, let's dig a little deeper into the two sides of me (or I).

if i were to be:

I: rude but honest, standing up for myself, saying no, stating opinions... basically the voices in my head.

Me: friendly, socially acceptable, saying yes, presentable, funny, emotionally stable... it is still who I am, but not as a whole.

it is annoying once you have put a face onto yourself and once people are used to the 'me', they would assume you have changed due to you expressing 'I'. the thing is, we wouldn't notice the difference between the two if it hadn't been for awareness. without knowing the theory, we would nod to their assumptions, accepting that we have changed. the question is, does anyone really know who they are like the back of their hands? or are we all dragging ourselves through eggshells of society's expectations?

it is challenging to be friends with someone as well, even the long-term ones because they never truly know. will they ever know?

12:46

blue hues

00:07

the end

19:48

unfinished

04:46

an early morning

22:09

a cup of melancholy

by Karen Wood

isn't it a pity by george harrison

i am currently in my room listening to george harrison's all things must past album while my sister talks little bits about Harrisongs Ltd and his top 5 best songs. i prefer a night like this -- sharing intricate details about one another because despite growing up together, we don't quite know each other as well as we thought, and it's refreshing.

on an unrelated note, do you know what i truly yearn for? riding my bike before the sun rises with a melancholy song blasting on my headphones, transporting me to another world. there's nothing wrong being where i am, i only miss the feeling. i remember when the sky was lavender, the air was cool and 'beach baby' was playing... it was an epitome of God's magnificent artistry that could not be replicated by mere mortals, at least that's what i think.

oh, there's this song i am addicted to. let's say i am often under the influenced of a magnificent tune. gospel by the national makes my heart beats slower, and then faster in less than a minute... it's abnormal. for some odd reason, when he sings and i'll, i'll bring a nice icy drink to you, it feels like an old friend i have lost hugged me -- the warmth of comfort yet sorrow tied together as the line darling, can you tie my string? comes. my favourite line is my angel face is falling, feathers are falling on my feet. i suppose you can interpret that on your own, that's what makes life interesting anyway.

i have three days left in brunei, not sure what's left to do here. i do miss deep conversations with a pinch of stupidity while listening to nostalgic music. i had that last month with a close friend of mine whom i have known for years and... it was something i didn't know i needed. i believe we come across that once in awhile after a hectic day/ week/ month/ year when we give ourselves a timeout and remember the good ol' days when times weren't as challenging yknow? anyway, that's enough for now.

09:08

i like being alone

18:17

fade away

Woman with a Parasol by Monet

I can't think of any tune to relate to -- it's quiet. Death is quiet. When I look at this piece by Monet, what I see is a woman... A mother with her child. They are both staring at something that caught their attention, maybe it's us or maybe it's something else entirely. They look beautiful nonetheless. So, I wonder... For those who have passed on, my uncles, grandfathers, aunts and grandmothers; where are you? Are you still in pain? I hope you're in some place nice.

Today, my (real) grandmother passed away. I couldn't bare to see her in pain, even through the photos my (real) sister sent. What sucks is the fact that I am miles away from home and I can't see her for one last time. I didn't get to visit her at the hospital when I was home in December as well. If I'd known she was asking about my well-being, I would've went there to tell her how university is like and the people here. Now, the only memory I have of her is myself -- my blood.

I have had my fair share of losses, as you'd know and this is not a shock to me anymore. Often times, it'd be a tearjerker, however, I am fine with it, I accept it. I have never been angry towards death, I don't think there's a reason to. Sure, a person would be pissed as hell for losing someone they love but what's the use of being angry at fate when it won't bring them back?

Back to the Monet piece, I like to perceive the woman as my grandmother. She's on top of a hill filled with dandelions and daisies. She looks great, healthy and relaxed. The child could be an interpretation of a son or younger sibling she might have lost. They're together now in a kaleidoscope field -- enchanting and cosmic. However, there are still shades of blue but that don't matter.

Lastly, to whoever is experiencing loss right now, please stay strong as they are no longer in pain and you, you magnificent being, you can get through this with grace. Life is short and whether you are young or old, fate will knock on your door. Therefore, live life the way you want to and have faith.

peace&love x

16:30

up in the air, 2017

20:53

twenty-sixteen

11:29

2016: what it is, and what once was

14:24

a momentary relapse

18:07

thoughts in the coffee shop

00:10

silence, please

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.

-charles buckowski.

__________________________________________________________

Believe me when I say I have been trying incredibly hard to sleep in the past hour or so but my thoughts are fucking loud I feel like I am buried 6 feet under, suffocating in the midst of incomprehensible voices.

I cannot afford to lose composure, and I won't.

The mixtures of anger, discomfort, loneliness have developed into nothingness within a week -- I am nothing, I feel like nothing. However, I know I am worth something, that is the thing -- confidence, independence, I have those and I use them every fucking day but why the hell am I feeling like shit lately? Am I losing it? Is this finally the time when I am going to have an unnecessary breakdown before finals begin? I can't. I cannot afford to lose my shit, honest to God.

Okay, sure, I have a s/o to vent on in regards to my temperamental behaviour but I prefer not to considering he is experiencing difficulties in adapting a new environment as well as completing assignments. Consequently, I am quite unsure whether it is my ego talking (although based on past experiences, that could possibly be the culprit), but I chose not to talk about these things in general considering I have gone through it multiple times and all of 'em are obviously tedious and shitty as hell but the thing is, I GOT THROUGH IT. Thus, "no big deal," who knows, I might move past this without doing the worst case scenarios. Nonetheless, I shouldn't be hiding these things from him, but then again, how am I going to pursue independence and adulthood without knowing how to deal with my own thoughts and difficulties myself? I mean, what is the use of you being your own person if you cannot fix your own mess? Not that seeking for help is a sin or going against your beliefs, it is always good to confide and etc; However, it is best to clean up your "mind palace" rather than sweeping it under the rug and be denial about it too.

It is midnight now and my brain won't shut up. Despite these shenanigans going on inside of my enigmatic mind, I shall listen to some music, light up a scented candle and TRY to calm down and carpe diem.