piscespixies

I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. 

I have found yet another gold to stack up the soul's wealth. And what should I do with the gold? Why, I share it of course. So I have found an artist/musician Chad VanGaalen who is from Calgary. VanGaalen has a similar soothing sound with Paper Kites, James Vincent McMorrow, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard -- basically the ultimate epitome of folk and I just... Do you know how amazing it feels to discover something incredibly heart warming at 7 in the morning when your windows are fogged up and birds are chirping? It is like... The universe is giving me a sign that it is definitely going to be a good day, well at least I hope it'd be considering my soul has been hugged by good tunes. Best be prepared with something as warm, winter is coming! x

I think you'll learn a lot once you've finally opened up to the possibilities of love and being loved. You would eventually witness a whole new sight of life, I guess. Through the pain for instance, through my pain, I have realised the reality of having someone who doesn't share the same heart as I do. Realistically, that has always been my point of view however, the ice began to thaw and the curtains dropped, thus, here lies the undeniably vulnerable homo-sapien that is living the stereotype of an incompetent, nauseating, dependant girl. I despise myself more than anything in the world and if that's not sad, wait till you hear the rest of the voices in my head.

Have I put much heart in this? I have, more than I thought I could. Believe it or not, I wasn't usually like this, however I am at the moment. Love has changed me, despite the cliches, it has and I do think it is for the better despite it looking otherwise. I was a cynic, a skeptic if I'd say so myself. I honestly wrote a blogpost coming out as an asexual because I thought I was inhuman, dead. The repeated words in my journals were usually "I am tired of forcing myself to feel something that isn't there" but now everything has morphed into "I am tired for being the person who feels too much." Does that bother me? It does. Is it any good? I don't know!

Here's a cliche that hits close to home, You Are Your Worst Critic. I strongly believe in this overused phrase just as much as I believed in George Harrison's relationship with Pattie Boyd. It is mind boggling on how your own judgments could rattle your bones and weaken your knees in the most horrifying way. It'll shatter your faith in all sorts and combust your heart to tiny million eeky pieces because your criticism about yourself can and will be the death of you if you let it. In my case, I'm often too invested, always listening. Other times I would shove it somewhere deep inside someone's arse and get on with my life as sane people do -- but I am not sane nor insane, I can't really find the right word for the in betweens, however, I am just that.

So, sitting here at my work place, it's close to 8pm and honestly, I don't give a crap. In the beginning of this post, I thought I was going to write a heartfelt essay about how Love changed me, or how I am not treated the way I thought I should or simply make myself seem less whiny, or selfish -- but that's not me. I am whiny and selfish only because I know what I want, and I will get what I want, just not now. At the moment, I stand by these words; I am what I am, whatever that is, I have yet to find.