Lauren Elizabeth has always been one of my go-to YouTubers for years now and I have never connected to a video with such depth and emotions until I re-watched her first video this year. The content was mainly about her generally speaking about being open to expressing life struggles and/or mental illness. Our similarities in that sense is uncanny. That being said, April has not been kind to me as massive accumulation of fear and anxiety have grabbed hold to my life yet again with more or less similar factors that Lauren have pointed out in that video. 

"I got to this place where I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of losing people -- losing myself, I was afraid of change, 'what if... what if... what if?'. From every little thing to every big thing; if I don't do this, this is gonna happen. I would close my eyes and like black out and just like get in this state of anxiety. There's a solid chunk of 2015 that I don't remember because I feel like I wasn't myself."

One of the few things that I figured out about who I am ever since anxiety knocked on my door few years back is to write it in a journal. The constant flow of panic attacks, breakdowns, insufferable emotional pain -- it broke me... It definitely did and if it weren't for my posts or journal entries, I wouldn't remember what happened when I lost myself. 

The journey to recovery might be delayed, however, I have some great people in my life and environment to appreciate. I am thinking on going back to therapy to talk it through with my doctor as well as getting a medical check considering my health has gone haywire. However, as a reminder for any Muslims who are dealing with sorrow or pain;

"There is a polish for everything that takes away rust; and the polish for the heart is the remembrance of Allah." - Bukhari

As a closing note to this post; all will be well if you put your faith into something you believe in the good. Learn from life's tests and acknowledge it in order to gain wisdom. A wise person is someone whom I always thought that have gone through some tough... tough times, yet, still put their feet on the ground and stand tall with an opened mind, and heart. That is truly a person to look up to. Imagine if someone looks up to you in that way too. 

It's not impossible, if you try.

ps: To the idiot that I am guilty to be in love with who is also my best friend, if it's not clear from the texts I sent you, I love you and I am glad you are in my life. God bless you x