cicada by belle mare

i have two weeks left to spare, and i don't know what else to do. i miss being alone in an empty space where disappointment cease to exist and i was at peace then.

look at me, am i happy? do i smile genuinely? is my laughter the same as before? if you say yes, you don't really see me, do you? why would you, or anyone? i wouldn't too, there's no time for that.

2016 has been a year of tedious self-discovery, which will continue till fate knocks on my door. to be honest, the only good thing about this year was the effort. i do not want to go into deep about it, but it's safe to say i have done much effort than i ever intended or thought i would do. i was happy, at least i thought i was. it could've been deception or perhaps being caught up in the moment -- i don't know.

i sincerely thought coming back here would be nice, y'know? the familiarity, and people... three days in now, i only enjoyed one or two brief moments, but that's it. i did not come back because i want to cherish everything, i... i guess all i wanted was to find a reason to go on.

i am not happy. i am finding multiple reasons to make myself cry because i want to, and i am allowing myself to bawl in hopes that i could be happy again, isn't it how it works? you get sad and after a few trying times, a beacon will guide you to happiness to balance it out, or whatever.

2016;
heart
as my head
frail shoulders
carrying the weight
sunken eyes
blurred by a noun
love...
love...
l o v e.

exhaling fragments of my soul
to intertwine with another
anxiety flutters
where the butterflies once were
should i apologise?
when will our next argument be?
am i enough?
why am i difficult? 
he deserves better...
he
deserves
better.

a noun
shattered,
and
moulded me
but
it gave me a reason
to carry on
or something...
i am unsure.

ask me where i am
no,
not physically...

ask me why i cry more when i am here...

ask yourself;
do you feel complete?
or obsolete,
such as i?

2016,
i don't despise you,
but i don't like you either,
i am glad it's nearly over...
thanks anyway.

her love is stacked
such as her CD collection of adolescence
on her chipped wooden desk

her love is foreign
like the first two months
in a new place
a lot were untouched
and unfathomable

her love is subtle
similar to her honeysuckle scent
and humour

her love comes and goes
such as the rain and
sunshine

she felt too much of it, and decided to tone it down
little by little
until it is close to nil.

she swore she felt it when he came in,
in fact,
she did
because her cheeks were flushed
and palms oozed with sweat.

she's a quiet one,
however,
vocal when needed to.

she doesn't express much love or affection,
and because of its rarity,
it is treasurable when it happens.

but seek her opinions,
she would talk for hours long
and her face will light up
like the fairy lights she cherished.

she told herself to keep her conscience intact, there's no reason to get all flustered like a mere teenager. she is aware it will go back to the way it was once they exchange goodbyes and see you soon's...
quiet, comfortable and numb... she likes it... she has grown accustomed to it.

she was elsewhere when in the same room with her close friends and for some odd reason, she didn't belong there because she didn't want to, then again, she liked that they're happy even if she was physically in the far corner. however, it exhausted her despite the lack of participation and interaction she made -- being there was strangely uncomfortable and anything but homey. it didn't feel like home... she muttered to herself: these are your friends, why are you feeling out of place? 
she still doesn't know.

for the first time, home doesn't feel like home anymore. 

if i close my eyes and were asked about my vision of my own sanctuary, i would instantly see an abundance of records and CDs consist of music that affected my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. two record players, an old-school boombox on a mahogany furniture with records and CDs occupying each storage space below. above it, there will be a big abstract painting contrasting the beige wall, and green plants beside most of my furniture. maybe a muted mustard yellow couch would fit in there somewhere with colourblocking pillows, a settee for the sake of my adolescence (bcs The Bakery by Arctic Monkeys), that one odd chair that doesn't go along with anything or anywhere but comfortable as hell (plus it is kind of a reflection of me which is why i got it) and lastly a decent coffee table with two scented candles, magazines and coasters. i won't have a tv in the living room considering the existence of laptops, also, i would be pretty much get similar affects from TV by having music flowing around my place (entertainment, relaxation, distraction...).
 i could go on and on, but sigh... someday. this is definitely one of my goals in life besides having a career that i adore and travelling alone to fulfil my everlong curiosity.

moving on, i will add in screenshots of my recent music go-tos from my Spotify playlists that helped and entertained me recently.

take a deep breath
count to five
repeat

it's all in your head
you are in full control
no matter what they say

your soul is not tainted
your brain is not damaged
your heart is not dying
you are not decaying

you do not owe your life to anyone

my body may be a cage
trapping a curious being
from falling into the rabbit hole
again
and again

but there are no barcodes
nor scans that could validate
my worth
debts
and the price i have to pay
for something that won't last

after years
with eyes closed
i have succumbed
to the reality
with eyes open
i am my own guardian angel 

source

source

sweaty palms in a gelid atmosphere
acceleration of solemn heartbeats
emaciated arteries begging to snap
reminiscing old tunes
what once was
how life changed
those you have loved
missed and hurt
patience you have tested
empty promises
and the sweet nothings.

oh, enigmatic blue moon girl
stop
we are all victims of regret
sorrow and loneliness
this is how we grow
aloneness shouldn't be sad
it is invigorating
a pathway to maturity
supposedly.

lift your ponderous crown
unveil the mask you've polished
there's no use in hiding anymore
the universe is yours.

source

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.

Believe me when I say I have been trying incredibly hard to sleep in the past hour or so but my thoughts are fucking loud I feel like I am buried 6 feet under, suffocating in the midst of incomprehensible voices.

I cannot afford to lose composure, and I won't.

The mixtures of anger, discomfort, loneliness have developed into nothingness within a week -- I am nothing, I feel like nothing. However, I know I am worth something, that is the thing -- confidence, independence, I have those and I use them every fucking day but why the hell am I feeling like shit lately? Am I losing it? Is this finally the time when I am going to have an unnecessary breakdown before finals begin? I can't. I cannot afford to lose my shit, honest to God.

Okay, sure, I have a s/o to vent on in regards to my temperamental behaviour but I prefer not to considering he is experiencing difficulties in adapting a new environment as well as completing assignments. Consequently, I am quite unsure whether it is my ego talking (although based on past experiences, that could possibly be the culprit), but I chose not to talk about these things in general considering I have gone through it multiple times and all of 'em are obviously tedious and shitty as hell but the thing is, I GOT THROUGH IT. Thus, "no big deal," who knows, I might move past this without doing the worst case scenarios. Nonetheless, I shouldn't be hiding these things from him, but then again, how am I going to pursue independence and adulthood without knowing how to deal with my own thoughts and difficulties myself? I mean, what is the use of you being your own person if you cannot fix your own mess? Not that seeking for help is a sin or going against your beliefs, it is always good to confide and etc; However, it is best to clean up your "mind palace" rather than sweeping it under the rug and be denial about it too.

It is midnight now and my brain won't shut up. Despite these shenanigans going on inside of my enigmatic mind, I shall listen to some music, light up a scented candle and TRY to calm down and carpe diem.