cicada by belle mare

i have two weeks left to spare, and i don't know what else to do. i miss being alone in an empty space where disappointment cease to exist and i was at peace then.

look at me, am i happy? do i smile genuinely? is my laughter the same as before? if you say yes, you don't really see me, do you? why would you, or anyone? i wouldn't too, there's no time for that.

2016 has been a year of tedious self-discovery, which will continue till fate knocks on my door. to be honest, the only good thing about this year was the effort. i do not want to go into deep about it, but it's safe to say i have done much effort than i ever intended or thought i would do. i was happy, at least i thought i was. it could've been deception or perhaps being caught up in the moment -- i don't know.

i sincerely thought coming back here would be nice, y'know? the familiarity, and people... three days in now, i only enjoyed one or two brief moments, but that's it. i did not come back because i want to cherish everything, i... i guess all i wanted was to find a reason to go on.

i am not happy. i am finding multiple reasons to make myself cry because i want to, and i am allowing myself to bawl in hopes that i could be happy again, isn't it how it works? you get sad and after a few trying times, a beacon will guide you to happiness to balance it out, or whatever.

2016;
heart
as my head
frail shoulders
carrying the weight
sunken eyes
blurred by a noun
love...
love...
l o v e.

exhaling fragments of my soul
to intertwine with another
anxiety flutters
where the butterflies once were
should i apologise?
when will our next argument be?
am i enough?
why am i difficult? 
he deserves better...
he
deserves
better.

a noun
shattered,
and
moulded me
but
it gave me a reason
to carry on
or something...
i am unsure.

ask me where i am
no,
not physically...

ask me why i cry more when i am here...

ask yourself;
do you feel complete?
or obsolete,
such as i?

2016,
i don't despise you,
but i don't like you either,
i am glad it's nearly over...
thanks anyway.

her love is stacked
such as her CD collection of adolescence
on her chipped wooden desk

her love is foreign
like the first two months
in a new place
a lot were untouched
and unfathomable

her love is subtle
similar to her honeysuckle scent
and humour

her love comes and goes
such as the rain and
sunshine

she felt too much of it, and decided to tone it down
little by little
until it is close to nil.

she swore she felt it when he came in,
in fact,
she did
because her cheeks were flushed
and palms oozed with sweat.

she's a quiet one,
however,
vocal when needed to.

she doesn't express much love or affection,
and because of its rarity,
it is treasurable when it happens.

but seek her opinions,
she would talk for hours long
and her face will light up
like the fairy lights she cherished.

she told herself to keep her conscience intact, there's no reason to get all flustered like a mere teenager. she is aware it will go back to the way it was once they exchange goodbyes and see you soon's...
quiet, comfortable and numb... she likes it... she has grown accustomed to it.

she was elsewhere when in the same room with her close friends and for some odd reason, she didn't belong there because she didn't want to, then again, she liked that they're happy even if she was physically in the far corner. however, it exhausted her despite the lack of participation and interaction she made -- being there was strangely uncomfortable and anything but homey. it didn't feel like home... she muttered to herself: these are your friends, why are you feeling out of place? 
she still doesn't know.

for the first time, home doesn't feel like home anymore. 

if i close my eyes and were asked about my vision of my own sanctuary, i would instantly see an abundance of records and CDs consist of music that affected my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. two record players, an old-school boombox on a mahogany furniture with records and CDs occupying each storage space below. above it, there will be a big abstract painting contrasting the beige wall, and green plants beside most of my furniture. maybe a muted mustard yellow couch would fit in there somewhere with colourblocking pillows, a settee for the sake of my adolescence (bcs The Bakery by Arctic Monkeys), that one odd chair that doesn't go along with anything or anywhere but comfortable as hell (plus it is kind of a reflection of me which is why i got it) and lastly a decent coffee table with two scented candles, magazines and coasters. i won't have a tv in the living room considering the existence of laptops, also, i would be pretty much get similar affects from TV by having music flowing around my place (entertainment, relaxation, distraction...).
 i could go on and on, but sigh... someday. this is definitely one of my goals in life besides having a career that i adore and travelling alone to fulfil my everlong curiosity.

moving on, i will add in screenshots of my recent music go-tos from my Spotify playlists that helped and entertained me recently.

take a deep breath
count to five
repeat

it's all in your head
you are in full control
no matter what they say

your soul is not tainted
your brain is not damaged
your heart is not dying
you are not decaying

you do not owe your life to anyone

my body may be a cage
trapping a curious being
from falling into the rabbit hole
again
and again

but there are no barcodes
nor scans that could validate
my worth
debts
and the price i have to pay
for something that won't last

after years
with eyes closed
i have succumbed
to the reality
with eyes open
i am my own guardian angel 

source

source

sweaty palms in a gelid atmosphere
acceleration of solemn heartbeats
emaciated arteries begging to snap
reminiscing old tunes
what once was
how life changed
those you have loved
missed and hurt
patience you have tested
empty promises
and the sweet nothings.

oh, enigmatic blue moon girl
stop
we are all victims of regret
sorrow and loneliness
this is how we grow
aloneness shouldn't be sad
it is invigorating
a pathway to maturity
supposedly.

lift your ponderous crown
unveil the mask you've polished
there's no use in hiding anymore
the universe is yours.

source

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.

Believe me when I say I have been trying incredibly hard to sleep in the past hour or so but my thoughts are fucking loud I feel like I am buried 6 feet under, suffocating in the midst of incomprehensible voices.

I cannot afford to lose composure, and I won't.

The mixtures of anger, discomfort, loneliness have developed into nothingness within a week -- I am nothing, I feel like nothing. However, I know I am worth something, that is the thing -- confidence, independence, I have those and I use them every fucking day but why the hell am I feeling like shit lately? Am I losing it? Is this finally the time when I am going to have an unnecessary breakdown before finals begin? I can't. I cannot afford to lose my shit, honest to God.

Okay, sure, I have a s/o to vent on in regards to my temperamental behaviour but I prefer not to considering he is experiencing difficulties in adapting a new environment as well as completing assignments. Consequently, I am quite unsure whether it is my ego talking (although based on past experiences, that could possibly be the culprit), but I chose not to talk about these things in general considering I have gone through it multiple times and all of 'em are obviously tedious and shitty as hell but the thing is, I GOT THROUGH IT. Thus, "no big deal," who knows, I might move past this without doing the worst case scenarios. Nonetheless, I shouldn't be hiding these things from him, but then again, how am I going to pursue independence and adulthood without knowing how to deal with my own thoughts and difficulties myself? I mean, what is the use of you being your own person if you cannot fix your own mess? Not that seeking for help is a sin or going against your beliefs, it is always good to confide and etc; However, it is best to clean up your "mind palace" rather than sweeping it under the rug and be denial about it too.

It is midnight now and my brain won't shut up. Despite these shenanigans going on inside of my enigmatic mind, I shall listen to some music, light up a scented candle and TRY to calm down and carpe diem.

Unforgiven by Beck

Beautiful War by Kings of Leon

And so, another day at the airport waiting to board the life or death journey in the solitary skyline. It still fascinates me how little everything is from up above despite this being my 8th time on a plane -- but the usual bitter aftertaste feels like a bucketful of lava being poured down to my soul. I like being alone and independent, at the same time, I dislike the everlasting loneliness within the fragment of my heart -- I am unsure how to comprehend it precisely but everyone has it, and everyone's familiar with it through and through.

Currently inside the plane that just took off -- my nose is itchy, I'm scared it will turn raw if I scratch it out of habit.
God knows how many passengers are in this plane... I wonder if any of them are as anxious as I am. I wonder if they are in love and having the greatest time of their lives. Maybe they could be in pain after a huge breakup or loss... What if they have thought about suicide at one point, like I did? This curiosity is similar to my itchy nose but this one is something that I cannot scratch -- life goes on anyway...

After listening to several tracks of Kings of Leon in the airport, I have now switched to Marcy's Playground to dive in a little bit deeper to hear what they had and of course, wonder how and why it affected their avid listeners or the ones within their generation. These are the useless things I think about when I want to escape the thought of uni -- well aware it being the first semester of my first year and all, but it is a slightly adequate excuse to just stray away from it for awhile because I am crazy as it is, don't really want my new reputation to be Batshit Crazy -- not that I care about what they think (ha ha).

There was a random thought that embarked during mass communication lecture regarding books; "I can write a book, and I will." Being a dreamer, in my opinion is a major blessing because there are endless possibilities and whimsical ideas. I am lucky enough as well to have a family that supports whatever dreams or ambitions I have or had ever since I was a naive, spoiled-af child.
When I was 8, I wanted to be The President, but only because CNN was frequently on and I saw how ridiculously horrible Bush was as America's president. At 12, I got addicted to astronomies and mythologies -- which led to the idea of being an archaeologist and astronomist. Few years passed, 16 years old, I asked dad if it was okay to take Philosophy as I realised how unbelievably curious I was and still am about life, BUT he said no. Then, I turned 17 and started writing every single day and by 18, I was 2 months in being an intern as asst. editor at a local magazine company. From that moment on, the love I have for writing increased rapidly and started making poetry, also bits and pieces of contents for a book that I created but put on hold. Present day, realising my capabilities and absurdly huge amount of passion, I am now taking communications degree with hopes that eventually, my knowledge regarding whatever I learn within these three years would suffice. Who knows I might end up being part of a rad company in New York, or London -- heck, could even be Paris! *crosses fingers*

Piazza, New York Catch by Belle & Sebastian

"I never realise how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while..." - Juno (2007)

 Currently sitting at a cafe beside the university I'm attending that is still alien to me. My butt is slowly cramping uncomfortably to tell you the truth -- petition for more cushioned chairs s'il vous plaît. 

Here's something ironic; I never thought I would be one of those who would have multiple breakdowns longing for home. I used to think that leaving was the best thing that could potentially happen in my life – it could, time will tell I suppose.
I miss my cats though...

So, what's Piscespixies take on moving to a new country?
Be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared – however, mentality and emotions are possibly more significant considering you would be alone during the first few weeks or months and it can get difficult. BASICALLY, everything that Jimmy Eat World sang repeatedly on their track The Middle.

If only it is easy to be a chameleon in a such outgoing and extroverted environment. May I say, walking alone around the university makes me feel like the chorus of Beck's Loser. The positive, giddy side of me is convinced that it will get better, if not, much much more tolerable -- though, study wise, I don't have anything to worry about. I am grateful as heck to be in a prestigious university but emotional wise -- I pray that it gets better fast.

Till then, I'll wrap it up and say I miss home, the familiarity of it all... Here, it's not too bad, just glad it's finally my time to be independent and experience this side of life.

C'est la vie

Postcards From Italy by Beirut

Hello fellow human beings of this uncultured side of the internet (har de har har). It's been far too long since I have properly post anything of gaiety. Don't fret however, tons of shindigs have happened in the past undistinguished months since I have gone MIA. I am about to go to uni soon -- how soon? Like... Next week.

As predicted, my sanity is not quite intact (when has it ever?) Though I have practiced a lot of tolerance from major incompetence in August despite it being a what might have been a well-celebrated birthday month. OH the sheer joy of having an uncultured bane with no sense of morality nor humility in such life, caught up with the shallow side of the universe's sea.

Anyway, I have moved past that phase and staying put in this current situation where I should either school myself on how to adult or have yet another restless night knowing that I will be moving out of my childhood home with days I could count with my fingers. Quite frankly, the only thing as of now that sparks my interest is being able to practice independence.

Presumably, 20, in my point of view, is the right age for me to once and for all step out of my comfort zone completely. What I least look forward to in these circumstances is the long distance my s/o and I would face any day now. We'll make it, if God is willing.

Disclaimer: Last month, I was struggling with depression and unbelievable amount of anxiety which took me to listening to tunes that reflected what was inside. If you follow me on my soundcloud, you'd know I covered two songs, She Lays Down by The 1975 and Lua by Bright Eyes. Those who have immersed themselves into reading both songs and truly reflecting them, I am sure you'd understand where I'm coming from.

It was 6am, I couldn't get the song out of my head, I have to let it out, I have to. A quarter past 7 and on my third take... I never felt so... naked, completely helpless and vulnerable. Losing touch with my identity, it was something to think about thoroughly. I'm still basing everything with an I don't know. It's silly how lacking my confidence and self-esteem are now. *shrugs*




with hopes that you are in a far better state, physically, mentally and emotionally...
xo

Journal entry, 21st May 2016 [Unedited] :



Constantly belittled by words but mostly actions... I'm tired of hearing someone, idk.

Kodaline is slowly helping like it used to. Preferring being alone as oppose to potentially scarring someone permanently/temporarily....

I am not pissed anymore -- exhausted. Basically don't have an ounce of emotion to use even if it kills me.

I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. 

I have found yet another gold to stack up the soul's wealth. And what should I do with the gold? Why, I share it of course. So I have found an artist/musician Chad VanGaalen who is from Calgary. VanGaalen has a similar soothing sound with Paper Kites, James Vincent McMorrow, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard -- basically the ultimate epitome of folk and I just... Do you know how amazing it feels to discover something incredibly heart warming at 7 in the morning when your windows are fogged up and birds are chirping? It is like... The universe is giving me a sign that it is definitely going to be a good day, well at least I hope it'd be considering my soul has been hugged by good tunes. Best be prepared with something as warm, winter is coming! x

I think you'll learn a lot once you've finally opened up to the possibilities of love and being loved. You would eventually witness a whole new sight of life, I guess. Through the pain for instance, through my pain, I have realised the reality of having someone who doesn't share the same heart as I do. Realistically, that has always been my point of view however, the ice began to thaw and the curtains dropped, thus, here lies the undeniably vulnerable homo-sapien that is living the stereotype of an incompetent, nauseating, dependant girl. I despise myself more than anything in the world and if that's not sad, wait till you hear the rest of the voices in my head.

Have I put much heart in this? I have, more than I thought I could. Believe it or not, I wasn't usually like this, however I am at the moment. Love has changed me, despite the cliches, it has and I do think it is for the better despite it looking otherwise. I was a cynic, a skeptic if I'd say so myself. I honestly wrote a blogpost coming out as an asexual because I thought I was inhuman, dead. The repeated words in my journals were usually "I am tired of forcing myself to feel something that isn't there" but now everything has morphed into "I am tired for being the person who feels too much." Does that bother me? It does. Is it any good? I don't know!

Here's a cliche that hits close to home, You Are Your Worst Critic. I strongly believe in this overused phrase just as much as I believed in George Harrison's relationship with Pattie Boyd. It is mind boggling on how your own judgments could rattle your bones and weaken your knees in the most horrifying way. It'll shatter your faith in all sorts and combust your heart to tiny million eeky pieces because your criticism about yourself can and will be the death of you if you let it. In my case, I'm often too invested, always listening. Other times I would shove it somewhere deep inside someone's arse and get on with my life as sane people do -- but I am not sane nor insane, I can't really find the right word for the in betweens, however, I am just that.

So, sitting here at my work place, it's close to 8pm and honestly, I don't give a crap. In the beginning of this post, I thought I was going to write a heartfelt essay about how Love changed me, or how I am not treated the way I thought I should or simply make myself seem less whiny, or selfish -- but that's not me. I am whiny and selfish only because I know what I want, and I will get what I want, just not now. At the moment, I stand by these words; I am what I am, whatever that is, I have yet to find. 

I had a downfall last night, so I turned to Bright Eyes' Lua and decided to cover it as an expression:

Anagram by Young The Giant, 14 57

There are many phenomenons that could perturb this whole essence of self-control that I trained myself to have. Being someone who is easily anxious and presumptuous at some point in her life... Surprisingly enough, I do get good days when I feel extremely confident as if I could rule the whole entire world! Haha, I know it sounds as if I am exaggerating but you know what? I am in one of those good days and I do not care what I am putting out to the universe (I might regret this one day but that's why the geniuses created the delete button so YAY).

This post is not planned, I honestly do not have the slightest clue on what to talk about, however, I have constantly thought about putting up a FAQ as part of my post, alas, here they are for all you curious cats out there!

When is your birthday?
Why it is the second of the beautiful month of August, of course!

What zodiac are you?
A presumable fearless lionness (Leo)

How old are you going to be this year?
2-0! *freaks out bcs of the realisation that I have responsibilities to adapt*

Are you particularly choosy when it comes to friends/acquaintances?
I often laugh it off whenever I receive these questions bcs it is just oh-so ridiculous. I am not part of the picky-stuck up-individuals club, no sir. I love people and I accept whatever eccentric personalities they have. The weirder, the better!

What is your music genre?
I listen to anything that I find that is chilled out or good in general. But my heart and soul will always crawl back to folk/indie/alternative/rock. They are like melted butter for my soul basically.

*Time to be in depth with the scandalous questions*

Do you have a boyfriend?
I will stick to saying, "I am blessed."

Are you a virgin?
Now this is the epitome of Frequently Asked Question since my senior year in high school. There were a lot of rumours that went on about my virginity which was hil-arious bcs it was irrelevant. Anyhoo, YES, I am a virgin and I intend to keep it that way until I meet the right person and/or when I'm married. But of course, different people vary with their beliefs and it is definitely 100% OKAY for them to do this beautiful thing that is sex with whoever they love or want to do it with. I still do not know why a lot of people look down on those who have done it, honestly, it is no big deal.

What is your sexuality?
I would like to say that I am bisexual, then again, I have never experienced dating a woman. In conclusion, I'm a good ol' heterosexual being.

Do you have a particular 'type'?
I don't really want to pin point anything specifically. I do have a particular type but it is more flexible than people thought it'd be. It's not a sin to want a guy who has passion and a dream, you know? And also, everlasting patience, respect and kindness.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hopefully somewhere in New York City, or downtown LA, or even France! I like the idea of freedom and independence along with the possibility in achieving my goals and dreams. Who wouldn't want that?

Do you consider yourself a writer/poet/singer/musician?
That's a whole lot! Well, I do write...things, including poetry, songs etc; I sing, yes but I am not particularly great, I would say I am average. And as far as musician can be, I am not one, considering that I don't know shit about notes nor read the sheet music!

What band changed you?
Definitely, 110% Bon Iver.

I guess that is all for now! If you have any questions whatsoever, do comment down below and I will try to make a slightly interesting Q&A segment here on my blog.

Till next time! Have a good day xo

How does one really comprehend their emotions eloquently? I am currently feeling numerous of emotions all at once, hate, disgust, sadness, betrayal and pain... Oh the unbearable pain has been present for such a long time now -- it has been present ever since I could remember.

How does one sleeps with a heavy heart? They don't. They either stay awake and mourn or take a two doses of sleeping pills and doze off like a wee-baby. A little known fact about me, I am more terrified to have someone who genuinely cares and loves me as oppose to one that neglects -- only because I have this automatic mindset to be careful with my words and what I am putting out there as it might affect their feelings. But, at the same time, the dilemma is ongoing; if they love me, they need to accept the fact that I am imperfect and human, I feel, I say things. I don't really need their consent for vocalising my inner thoughts or else that would be pathetic.

I am in pain even if I am in a blessed place in life at the moment. I am on the brink to be completely empty but that does not mean I should stop trying to search for the unknown territories of love, affection and care. This kind of adventure will take time and a lot of patience, which is great for me as I am used to waiting...