i haven't written to anyone, including myself for one to two months. i would point my finger on the assignments that are indeed stacking right infront of my brain, but they are not entirely at fault. here i am typing fragments of views that i have gained throughout my hiatus while sitting on a toilet seat -- classy. 

my health has strained me a little, but that's not to say that i should stop writing completely, now does it? it's May, who have i become? i am not lazy at all, not a bit, i have been on the grind since tasks were given a month ago. have i grown? well, my hair is longer... it was auburn, then blonde, then black. i still have the tendency to care about what others think though, need to work on that again. however, due to the constant flow of reminder how i shouldn't and the ultimate fact that they don't inspires me to be more of an I than a me these days.

I vs. me is one of the symbolic interactionism theories. for those who are not familiar, 'I' is somewhat carefree and instinctual -- does not take shit from others. whereas 'me' is socially aware and more deliberative. after learning this theory, an epiphany lit up like a light bulb; i have two sides of me when i am around certain groups of people, i am not entirely myself when i am with close friends too... so who am 'I'? mind you, one cannot simultaneously be 'I' and 'me', it's impossible. so, let's dig a little deeper into the two sides of me (or I).

if i were to be: 

I: rude but honest, standing up for myself, saying no, stating opinions... basically the voices in my head.

Me: friendly, socially acceptable, saying yes, presentable, funny, emotionally stable... it is still who I am, but not as a whole. 

it is annoying once you have put a face onto yourself and once people are used to the 'me', they would assume you have changed due to you expressing 'I'. the thing is, we wouldn't notice the difference between the two if it hadn't been for awareness. without knowing the theory, we would nod to their assumptions, accepting that we have changed. the question is, does anyone really know who they are like the back of their hands? or are we all dragging ourselves through eggshells of society's expectations? 

it is challenging to be friends with someone as well, even the long-term ones because they never truly know. will they ever know?