piscespixies

sleepless by christine wu

in an aeroplane over the sea by neutral milk hotel

04 21 on a rainy monday. my body seems to have a mind of its own without the brain knowing, how can that be? there's a lingering itch of thought that i need to scratch so it can disappear for eternity; i am indifferent. that's not technically news because i am like anyone else. it's possible to be different in certain aspects, however, it is close to impossible to be completely out of the ordinary... unless you're bowie or smokey.

i haven't been sleeping well. often times, i do, but without dreams. sometimes i do have dreams, but my body is filled with this vast adrenaline for no plausible reason and wakes up at 3 32am on the dot. i don't want to put much thought into though.

04 30 poetry

resentment recedes
like a waltz
in threes

one's ego
is a figment
of mind games

rat-a-tat-tat
a knock on the head

i lie awake
eyes wide open
glaring
over the solemn street light
shaped like an orange
from my foggy window

white noise
clear vision
unfiltered thoughts

old enough to be wise
wise enough to grow
grown enough to apperceive

i shall not crave
for another's nails
to scratch my head
just because mine
are absent.

by Karen Wood

Being alone is still taboo and mildly stigmatised. Extroverts or outgoing people would look down on an introvert or push them to step out of their comfort zone a little bit because in their heads, being alone is lonely and sad. Hence, one has to go out and surround oneself with people (even if they don't bother to genuinely ask how you are).

Certainly, there are pros and cons. However, I personally prefer being alone. Why? Because I find comfort and peace in it. How? By accepting myself and be open to my own thoughts. I don't have many friends here or do I want to -- I believe in quality over quantity as I have gone through the same old shebang of temporary friends that will eventually turn into acquaintances then strangers. I believe that you should allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts once in your life as it will help you grow by deeply knowing who you truly are and that is immensely useful, isn't it?

Whether it is Saturday night or Sunday afternoon, normally, people would go out and that's great. As for introverts, we prefer the solace of our own company. Maybe we will watch a marathon of our favourite series or read a book. What matters is we are at peace with ourselves, finally. Human nature is often difficult and complex to fathom, but to be at peace with ourselves is definitely challenging through and through -- extroverts would know as well.

Anyway, let me construct a terrible mind map or something;

Woman with a Parasol by Monet

I can't think of any tune to relate to -- it's quiet. Death is quiet. When I look at this piece by Monet, what I see is a woman... A mother with her child. They are both staring at something that caught their attention, maybe it's us or maybe it's something else entirely. They look beautiful nonetheless. So, I wonder... For those who have passed on, my uncles, grandfathers, aunts and grandmothers; where are you? Are you still in pain? I hope you're in some place nice.

Today, my (real) grandmother passed away. I couldn't bare to see her in pain, even through the photos my (real) sister sent. What sucks is the fact that I am miles away from home and I can't see her for one last time. I didn't get to visit her at the hospital when I was home in December as well. If I'd known she was asking about my well-being, I would've went there to tell her how university is like and the people here. Now, the only memory I have of her is myself -- my blood.

I have had my fair share of losses, as you'd know and this is not a shock to me anymore. Often times, it'd be a tearjerker, however, I am fine with it, I accept it. I have never been angry towards death, I don't think there's a reason to. Sure, a person would be pissed as hell for losing someone they love but what's the use of being angry at fate when it won't bring them back?

Back to the Monet piece, I like to perceive the woman as my grandmother. She's on top of a hill filled with dandelions and daisies. She looks great, healthy and relaxed. The child could be an interpretation of a son or younger sibling she might have lost. They're together now in a kaleidoscope field -- enchanting and cosmic. However, there are still shades of blue but that don't matter.

Lastly, to whoever is experiencing loss right now, please stay strong as they are no longer in pain and you, you magnificent being, you can get through this with grace. Life is short and whether you are young or old, fate will knock on your door. Therefore, live life the way you want to and have faith.

peace&love x