source

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.

Believe me when I say I have been trying incredibly hard to sleep in the past hour or so but my thoughts are fucking loud I feel like I am buried 6 feet under, suffocating in the midst of incomprehensible voices.

I cannot afford to lose composure, and I won't.

The mixtures of anger, discomfort, loneliness have developed into nothingness within a week -- I am nothing, I feel like nothing. However, I know I am worth something, that is the thing -- confidence, independence, I have those and I use them every fucking day but why the hell am I feeling like shit lately? Am I losing it? Is this finally the time when I am going to have an unnecessary breakdown before finals begin? I can't. I cannot afford to lose my shit, honest to God.

Okay, sure, I have a s/o to vent on in regards to my temperamental behaviour but I prefer not to considering he is experiencing difficulties in adapting a new environment as well as completing assignments. Consequently, I am quite unsure whether it is my ego talking (although based on past experiences, that could possibly be the culprit), but I chose not to talk about these things in general considering I have gone through it multiple times and all of 'em are obviously tedious and shitty as hell but the thing is, I GOT THROUGH IT. Thus, "no big deal," who knows, I might move past this without doing the worst case scenarios. Nonetheless, I shouldn't be hiding these things from him, but then again, how am I going to pursue independence and adulthood without knowing how to deal with my own thoughts and difficulties myself? I mean, what is the use of you being your own person if you cannot fix your own mess? Not that seeking for help is a sin or going against your beliefs, it is always good to confide and etc; However, it is best to clean up your "mind palace" rather than sweeping it under the rug and be denial about it too.

It is midnight now and my brain won't shut up. Despite these shenanigans going on inside of my enigmatic mind, I shall listen to some music, light up a scented candle and TRY to calm down and carpe diem.