i have not come into terms with my body
i look in the mirror in 180
pinching the excess of skin that i despise
the itching sensation of remorse
it besets my psyche
forcing me to run
miles and miles
i run further
till my knees give in
till my lungs burn
till the numbness comforts me
i stretch my arms up high
my ribs caress the skin
they look like they are about to come out of my body
like the ghost from a movie that crawls out of the tv
my knees are bruised
but
i am tying my shoes now
to run further
i look in the mirror
and see a stranger
i could clasp my upper arm
between the tip of my thumb and middle finger
people told me i look beautiful
they praise the new and improved figure
but i am in pain
in an immense pain
i wake up at 3am because of the agonising ache in my stomach
that feels like thorns rubbing against my internal organs
i try breathing in 4s
it hurts so much
so i start eating three times a day
ensure i hydrate enough
and stop looking at the reflection
and listening to people's commentaries
but i am deteriorating
as the old phrase goes:
'old habits die hard'
i have not come into terms with my body
i still look in the mirror in 180
pinching the excess skin that i could lose
it is hard to love myself when i only see the exterior
but what good is this shell
if it stops working
will i be able to be in a balanced state of mind?
will i be able to graduate?
will i be able to get married?
...will i be able to ever carry a child and love them
and sing Golden Slumbers on a rocking chair as their cries soften and fall fast asleep?
will i ever be...?
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