piscespixies

20:53

twenty-sixteen

cicada by belle mare i have two weeks left to spare, and i don't know what else to do. i miss being alone in an empty space where disappointment cease to exist and i was at peace then. look at me, am i happy? do i smile genuinely? is my laughter the same as before? if you say yes, you don't really see me, do you? why would you, or anyone? i wouldn't too, there's no time for that. 2016 has been a year of tedious self-discovery, which will continue till fate knocks on my door. to be...

11:29

2016: what it is, and what once was

her love is stacked such as her CD collection of adolescence on her chipped wooden desk her love is foreign like the first two months in a new place a lot were untouched and unfathomable her love is subtle similar to her honeysuckle scent and humour her love comes and goes such as the rain and sunshine she felt too much of it, and decided to tone it down little by little until it is close to nil. she swore she felt it when he came in, in fact, she did because her cheeks were flushed and palms...

18:41

goals & music favourites

if i close my eyes and were asked about my vision of my own sanctuary, i would instantly see an abundance of records and CDs consist of music that affected my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. two record players, an old-school boombox on a mahogany furniture with records and CDs occupying each storage space below. above it, there will be a big abstract painting contrasting the beige wall, and green plants beside most of my furniture. maybe a muted mustard yellow couch would fit in there somewhere with colourblocking pillows, a settee for the sake of my adolescence (bcs...

14:24

a momentary relapse

take a deep breath count to five repeat it's all in your head you are in full control no matter what they say your soul is not tainted your brain is not damaged your heart is not dying you are not decaying you do not owe your life to anyone my body may be a cage trapping a curious being from falling into the rabbit hole again and again but there are no barcodes nor scans that could validate my worth debts and the price i have to pay for something that won't last after years with eyes...

06:29

the disintegration of a solemn mind

source 5 a.m Do I look okay Do my eyes still sparkle like supernovas explosions of kaleidoscope taunting the weak are they not bleak Do you notice the lines Darkness embedded below Does my touch burn like hours under le soleil didn't your mother tell you it's not good without sunscreen but you adore the idea of a sun kissed skin Am I losing sleep can you tell by the untamed hair no it's not a style Have my pillows lost their purpose they're nothing more than memory foams because lately recollections of yesteryear amplified as I lay ...

18:07

thoughts in the coffee shop

source sweaty palms in a gelid atmosphere acceleration of solemn heartbeats emaciated arteries begging to snap reminiscing old tunes what once was how life changed those you have loved missed and hurt patience you have tested empty promises and the sweet nothings. oh, enigmatic blue moon girl stop we are all victims of regret sorrow and loneliness this is how we grow aloneness shouldn't be sad it is invigorating a pathway to maturity supposedly. lift your ponderous crown unveil the mask you've polished there's no use in hiding anymore the universe is yours. ___________________________________________________________ oh, i am merely human,...

00:10

silence, please

source there is a place in the heart thatwill never be filleda spaceand even during thebest momentsandthe greatest timestimeswe will know itwe will know itmore thaneverthere is a place in the heart thatwill never be filledandwe will waitandwaitin that space. -charles buckowski. __________________________________________________________ Believe me when I say I have been trying incredibly hard to sleep in the past hour or so but my thoughts are fucking loud I feel like I am buried 6 feet under, suffocating in the midst of incomprehensible voices. I cannot afford to lose composure, and I won't. The mixtures of anger, discomfort,...

20:49

The Pursuit of Happiness [III]

Unforgiven by Beck Down on the street Just let the engine run 'Til there's nothing left Except the damage done Beck's Morning Phase is on my top 10 favourite albums of all time. There is something about the ethereal ambience that transports me to some place better than reality every time I listen to tracks like Unforgiven, Wave or Morning -- for once, I feel at peace. I would say it has a similar affect on me like Bon Iver's Holocene, Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb and Gregory Alan Isakov's Amsterdam. It is quite a complex feeling to unravel,...

20:12

Last Week

Recap: I went back to Brunei last week for 5 days and savoured every bit of it by eating a hearty amount of food that I don't normally consume -- it was all worth it despite the weight gain I have packed along with me. Alas, my cravings for Verve's latte has been fulfilled as well as their chocolate ganache. God bless. After a brief chill session at the cafe, we went to Nerdee for some Cards Against Humanity which I thoroughly enjoyed while sipping my butterbeer that was too sweet for my well-being. Then we proceeded...

22:38

Word Vomit .1

Beautiful War by Kings of Leon And so, another day at the airport waiting to board the life or death journey in the solitary skyline. It still fascinates me how little everything is from up above despite this being my 8th time on a plane -- but the usual bitter aftertaste feels like a bucketful of lava being poured down to my soul. I like being alone and independent, at the same time, I dislike the everlasting loneliness within the fragment of my heart -- I am unsure how to comprehend it precisely but everyone has it, and...

21:54

a new leaf

Piazza, New York Catch by Belle & Sebastian "I never realise how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while..." - Juno (2007) Currently sitting at a cafe beside the university I'm attending that is still alien to me. My butt is slowly cramping uncomfortably to tell you the truth -- petition for more cushioned chairs s'il vous plaît. Here's something ironic; I never thought I would be one of those who would have multiple breakdowns longing for home. I used to think that leaving was the best thing that could potentially happen in...

14:25

In A Blink of An Eye

Postcards From Italy by Beirut Hello fellow human beings of this uncultured side of the internet (har de har har). It's been far too long since I have properly post anything of gaiety. Don't fret however, tons of shindigs have happened in the past undistinguished months since I have gone MIA. I am about to go to uni soon -- how soon? Like... Next week. As predicted, my sanity is not quite intact (when has it ever?) Though I have practiced a lot of tolerance from major incompetence in August despite it being a what might have been...

12:48

She Lays Down

Disclaimer: Last month, I was struggling with depression and unbelievable amount of anxiety which took me to listening to tunes that reflected what was inside. If you follow me on my soundcloud, you'd know I covered two songs, She Lays Down by The 1975 and Lua by Bright Eyes. Those who have immersed themselves into reading both songs and truly reflecting them, I am sure you'd understand where I'm coming from. It was 6am, I couldn't get the song out of my head, I have to let it out, I have to. A quarter past 7 and on my...

12:39

Journal entry, 21st May 2016 [Unedited] : Constantly belittled by words but mostly actions... I'm tired of hearing someone, idk. Kodaline is slowly helping like it used to. Preferring being alone as oppose to potentially scarring someone permanently/temporarily.... I am not pissed anymore -- exhausted. Basically don't have an ounce of emotion to use even if it kills me. [I proceed to writing down a random song that came to mind with a specific melody] She&Him vibes:- (What're You Doin' in NYE melody) You think I'm crazy Bcs I care so much Oh let me tell you all...

08:24

I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. ...

07:21

Pure Gold

I have found yet another gold to stack up the soul's wealth. And what should I do with the gold? Why, I share it of course. So I have found an artist/musician Chad VanGaalen who is from Calgary. VanGaalen has a similar soothing sound with Paper Kites, James Vincent McMorrow, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard -- basically the ultimate epitome of folk and I just... Do you know how amazing it feels to discover something incredibly heart warming at 7 in the morning when your windows are fogged up and birds are chirping? It is like... The universe is giving...

09:07

Radiohead is back! ...

20:04

The Pursuit of Happiness [II]

I think you'll learn a lot once you've finally opened up to the possibilities of love and being loved. You would eventually witness a whole new sight of life, I guess. Through the pain for instance, through my pain, I have realised the reality of having someone who doesn't share the same heart as I do. Realistically, that has always been my point of view however, the ice began to thaw and the curtains dropped, thus, here lies the undeniably vulnerable homo-sapien that is living the stereotype of an incompetent, nauseating, dependant girl. I despise myself more than...

19:12

whats been going on lately?

Lauren Elizabeth has always been one of my go-to YouTubers for years now and I have never connected to a video with such depth and emotions until I re-watched her first video this year. The content was mainly about her generally speaking about being open to expressing life struggles and/or mental illness. Our similarities in that sense is uncanny. That being said, April has not been kind to me as massive accumulation of fear and anxiety have grabbed hold to my life yet again with more or less similar factors that Lauren have pointed out in that video. ...

10:19

beautiful tunes to get by

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11:48

Up&Down

I had a downfall last night, so I turned to Bright Eyes' Lua and decided to cover it as an expression: ...

15:21

Titles Are Mind-boggling

Anagram by Young The Giant, 14 57 There are many phenomenons that could perturb this whole essence of self-control that I trained myself to have. Being someone who is easily anxious and presumptuous at some point in her life... Surprisingly enough, I do get good days when I feel extremely confident as if I could rule the whole entire world! Haha, I know it sounds as if I am exaggerating but you know what? I am in one of those good days and I do not care what I am putting out to the universe (I might regret...