2017 - piscespixies

12:28

love at 20

11:40

21

12:43

a montage

14:42

shadow (unfinished)

09:33

zip it

take me over by ari roar

i haven't written to anyone, including myself for one to two months. i would point my finger on the assignments that are indeed stacking right infront of my brain, but they are not entirely at fault. here i am typing fragments of views that i have gained throughout my hiatus while sitting on a toilet seat -- classy.

my health has strained me a little, but that's not to say that i should stop writing completely, now does it? it's May, who have i become? i am not lazy at all, not a bit, i have been on the grind since tasks were given a month ago. have i grown? well, my hair is longer... it was auburn, then blonde, then black. i still have the tendency to care about what others think though, need to work on that again. however, due to the constant flow of reminder how i shouldn't and the ultimate fact that they don't inspires me to be more of an I than a me these days.

I vs. me is one of the symbolic interactionism theories. for those who are not familiar, 'I' is somewhat carefree and instinctual -- does not take shit from others. whereas 'me' is socially aware and more deliberative. after learning this theory, an epiphany lit up like a light bulb; i have two sides of me when i am around certain groups of people, i am not entirely myself when i am with close friends too... so who am 'I'? mind you, one cannot simultaneously be 'I' and 'me', it's impossible. so, let's dig a little deeper into the two sides of me (or I).

if i were to be:

I: rude but honest, standing up for myself, saying no, stating opinions... basically the voices in my head.

Me: friendly, socially acceptable, saying yes, presentable, funny, emotionally stable... it is still who I am, but not as a whole.

it is annoying once you have put a face onto yourself and once people are used to the 'me', they would assume you have changed due to you expressing 'I'. the thing is, we wouldn't notice the difference between the two if it hadn't been for awareness. without knowing the theory, we would nod to their assumptions, accepting that we have changed. the question is, does anyone really know who they are like the back of their hands? or are we all dragging ourselves through eggshells of society's expectations?

it is challenging to be friends with someone as well, even the long-term ones because they never truly know. will they ever know?

12:46

blue hues

00:07

the end

12:17

cynic

20:21

it's worth the pain -- racking my brain

18:46

you

19:48

unfinished

04:46

an early morning

22:09

a cup of melancholy

by Karen Wood

isn't it a pity by george harrison

i am currently in my room listening to george harrison's all things must past album while my sister talks little bits about Harrisongs Ltd and his top 5 best songs. i prefer a night like this -- sharing intricate details about one another because despite growing up together, we don't quite know each other as well as we thought, and it's refreshing.

on an unrelated note, do you know what i truly yearn for? riding my bike before the sun rises with a melancholy song blasting on my headphones, transporting me to another world. there's nothing wrong being where i am, i only miss the feeling. i remember when the sky was lavender, the air was cool and 'beach baby' was playing... it was an epitome of God's magnificent artistry that could not be replicated by mere mortals, at least that's what i think.

oh, there's this song i am addicted to. let's say i am often under the influenced of a magnificent tune. gospel by the national makes my heart beats slower, and then faster in less than a minute... it's abnormal. for some odd reason, when he sings and i'll, i'll bring a nice icy drink to you, it feels like an old friend i have lost hugged me -- the warmth of comfort yet sorrow tied together as the line darling, can you tie my string? comes. my favourite line is my angel face is falling, feathers are falling on my feet. i suppose you can interpret that on your own, that's what makes life interesting anyway.

i have three days left in brunei, not sure what's left to do here. i do miss deep conversations with a pinch of stupidity while listening to nostalgic music. i had that last month with a close friend of mine whom i have known for years and... it was something i didn't know i needed. i believe we come across that once in awhile after a hectic day/ week/ month/ year when we give ourselves a timeout and remember the good ol' days when times weren't as challenging yknow? anyway, that's enough for now.

09:08

i like being alone

18:17

fade away

Woman with a Parasol by Monet

I can't think of any tune to relate to -- it's quiet. Death is quiet. When I look at this piece by Monet, what I see is a woman... A mother with her child. They are both staring at something that caught their attention, maybe it's us or maybe it's something else entirely. They look beautiful nonetheless. So, I wonder... For those who have passed on, my uncles, grandfathers, aunts and grandmothers; where are you? Are you still in pain? I hope you're in some place nice.

Today, my (real) grandmother passed away. I couldn't bare to see her in pain, even through the photos my (real) sister sent. What sucks is the fact that I am miles away from home and I can't see her for one last time. I didn't get to visit her at the hospital when I was home in December as well. If I'd known she was asking about my well-being, I would've went there to tell her how university is like and the people here. Now, the only memory I have of her is myself -- my blood.

I have had my fair share of losses, as you'd know and this is not a shock to me anymore. Often times, it'd be a tearjerker, however, I am fine with it, I accept it. I have never been angry towards death, I don't think there's a reason to. Sure, a person would be pissed as hell for losing someone they love but what's the use of being angry at fate when it won't bring them back?

Back to the Monet piece, I like to perceive the woman as my grandmother. She's on top of a hill filled with dandelions and daisies. She looks great, healthy and relaxed. The child could be an interpretation of a son or younger sibling she might have lost. They're together now in a kaleidoscope field -- enchanting and cosmic. However, there are still shades of blue but that don't matter.

Lastly, to whoever is experiencing loss right now, please stay strong as they are no longer in pain and you, you magnificent being, you can get through this with grace. Life is short and whether you are young or old, fate will knock on your door. Therefore, live life the way you want to and have faith.

peace&love x

16:30

up in the air, 2017