piscespixies

Piazza, New York Catch by Belle & Sebastian

"I never realise how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while..." - Juno (2007)

 Currently sitting at a cafe beside the university I'm attending that is still alien to me. My butt is slowly cramping uncomfortably to tell you the truth -- petition for more cushioned chairs s'il vous plaît. 

Here's something ironic; I never thought I would be one of those who would have multiple breakdowns longing for home. I used to think that leaving was the best thing that could potentially happen in my life – it could, time will tell I suppose.
I miss my cats though...

So, what's Piscespixies take on moving to a new country?
Be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared – however, mentality and emotions are possibly more significant considering you would be alone during the first few weeks or months and it can get difficult. BASICALLY, everything that Jimmy Eat World sang repeatedly on their track The Middle.

If only it is easy to be a chameleon in a such outgoing and extroverted environment. May I say, walking alone around the university makes me feel like the chorus of Beck's Loser. The positive, giddy side of me is convinced that it will get better, if not, much much more tolerable -- though, study wise, I don't have anything to worry about. I am grateful as heck to be in a prestigious university but emotional wise -- I pray that it gets better fast.

Till then, I'll wrap it up and say I miss home, the familiarity of it all... Here, it's not too bad, just glad it's finally my time to be independent and experience this side of life.

C'est la vie

Postcards From Italy by Beirut

Hello fellow human beings of this uncultured side of the internet (har de har har). It's been far too long since I have properly post anything of gaiety. Don't fret however, tons of shindigs have happened in the past undistinguished months since I have gone MIA. I am about to go to uni soon -- how soon? Like... Next week.

As predicted, my sanity is not quite intact (when has it ever?) Though I have practiced a lot of tolerance from major incompetence in August despite it being a what might have been a well-celebrated birthday month. OH the sheer joy of having an uncultured bane with no sense of morality nor humility in such life, caught up with the shallow side of the universe's sea.

Anyway, I have moved past that phase and staying put in this current situation where I should either school myself on how to adult or have yet another restless night knowing that I will be moving out of my childhood home with days I could count with my fingers. Quite frankly, the only thing as of now that sparks my interest is being able to practice independence.

Presumably, 20, in my point of view, is the right age for me to once and for all step out of my comfort zone completely. What I least look forward to in these circumstances is the long distance my s/o and I would face any day now. We'll make it, if God is willing.

Disclaimer: Last month, I was struggling with depression and unbelievable amount of anxiety which took me to listening to tunes that reflected what was inside. If you follow me on my soundcloud, you'd know I covered two songs, She Lays Down by The 1975 and Lua by Bright Eyes. Those who have immersed themselves into reading both songs and truly reflecting them, I am sure you'd understand where I'm coming from.

It was 6am, I couldn't get the song out of my head, I have to let it out, I have to. A quarter past 7 and on my third take... I never felt so... naked, completely helpless and vulnerable. Losing touch with my identity, it was something to think about thoroughly. I'm still basing everything with an I don't know. It's silly how lacking my confidence and self-esteem are now. *shrugs*




with hopes that you are in a far better state, physically, mentally and emotionally...
xo

Journal entry, 21st May 2016 [Unedited] :



Constantly belittled by words but mostly actions... I'm tired of hearing someone, idk.

Kodaline is slowly helping like it used to. Preferring being alone as oppose to potentially scarring someone permanently/temporarily....

I am not pissed anymore -- exhausted. Basically don't have an ounce of emotion to use even if it kills me.

I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. 

I have found yet another gold to stack up the soul's wealth. And what should I do with the gold? Why, I share it of course. So I have found an artist/musician Chad VanGaalen who is from Calgary. VanGaalen has a similar soothing sound with Paper Kites, James Vincent McMorrow, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard -- basically the ultimate epitome of folk and I just... Do you know how amazing it feels to discover something incredibly heart warming at 7 in the morning when your windows are fogged up and birds are chirping? It is like... The universe is giving me a sign that it is definitely going to be a good day, well at least I hope it'd be considering my soul has been hugged by good tunes. Best be prepared with something as warm, winter is coming! x

I think you'll learn a lot once you've finally opened up to the possibilities of love and being loved. You would eventually witness a whole new sight of life, I guess. Through the pain for instance, through my pain, I have realised the reality of having someone who doesn't share the same heart as I do. Realistically, that has always been my point of view however, the ice began to thaw and the curtains dropped, thus, here lies the undeniably vulnerable homo-sapien that is living the stereotype of an incompetent, nauseating, dependant girl. I despise myself more than anything in the world and if that's not sad, wait till you hear the rest of the voices in my head.

Have I put much heart in this? I have, more than I thought I could. Believe it or not, I wasn't usually like this, however I am at the moment. Love has changed me, despite the cliches, it has and I do think it is for the better despite it looking otherwise. I was a cynic, a skeptic if I'd say so myself. I honestly wrote a blogpost coming out as an asexual because I thought I was inhuman, dead. The repeated words in my journals were usually "I am tired of forcing myself to feel something that isn't there" but now everything has morphed into "I am tired for being the person who feels too much." Does that bother me? It does. Is it any good? I don't know!

Here's a cliche that hits close to home, You Are Your Worst Critic. I strongly believe in this overused phrase just as much as I believed in George Harrison's relationship with Pattie Boyd. It is mind boggling on how your own judgments could rattle your bones and weaken your knees in the most horrifying way. It'll shatter your faith in all sorts and combust your heart to tiny million eeky pieces because your criticism about yourself can and will be the death of you if you let it. In my case, I'm often too invested, always listening. Other times I would shove it somewhere deep inside someone's arse and get on with my life as sane people do -- but I am not sane nor insane, I can't really find the right word for the in betweens, however, I am just that.

So, sitting here at my work place, it's close to 8pm and honestly, I don't give a crap. In the beginning of this post, I thought I was going to write a heartfelt essay about how Love changed me, or how I am not treated the way I thought I should or simply make myself seem less whiny, or selfish -- but that's not me. I am whiny and selfish only because I know what I want, and I will get what I want, just not now. At the moment, I stand by these words; I am what I am, whatever that is, I have yet to find.