piscespixies

Stuck On The Puzzle - Alex Turner

Note: I wrote this last night when I was out 

It is me. Wanting to get solid proof on how I am not worthy to be in a relationship of any kind with someone who loves me for whichever sides I have in my bipolar moments. Now I am sitting across him. I am not present as I took one dose of clonazepam which is making me feel light as a feather and it is obviously affecting my brain neurons as I struggle to type this out nor talk properly. I feel numb. I guess this is the point of the medicine; to feel nothing.

Some nights are silent. These are the nights where both parties give in. A lot of thoughts and unanswered questions revolve around our heads but none has the initiative to speak up. It hurts though because of how selfish it is. We cling to our egos as if our life depends on it. This is some Daughter's Still shit going on and this is what I have feared the most.

What happened to two best friends laughing incessantly out of the blue and not give a care in the world? We are growing old and there's nothing left to lose but our self perseverance and that scares me... Does it scare you too?

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - Perks of Being A Wallflower

After hours hearing Charlie's words inside of my head, I wonder if I still accept the love I think I deserve even if the love that was given was merely what normal women would consider; inefficient.

An egoist or perfectionist would not settle for anything less. However, with the quote to support my unethical conscience in the midst of my hazy mind, questions after questions stacking on top one another began to unravel something so... cliched and possibly a fact; this is the love I deserve.

Jotting down my battles and misadventures in the past trying to search for someone who was worthy to receive all the love I have stored inside my heart-shaped box, I realised I went for guys who cling to the idea of me. Those guys could never, ever accept the truth that I am indeed as messed up as they are, but I was not afraid to show it. What they did after was amusing as they made it easier for me to let go and move on. They either ran, verbally/emotionally abused me, or the best one so far... spread rumours on how little of a person I am. Mock my beliefs or words as you please, but if you are among the clever ones -- you would know better, I would've known better.

It is indeed safe to say that I have suffered a long-term love/hate relationship with relationships in general. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't be traumatised by the wrongs and unfortunates circumstances in the life long battle to find love?
I guess what I am trying to let out through this mildly-cray babbles is that you are bound to experience a variety of love from individuals that may or may not contradict who you are, and you might give away bits of your heart until it feels hollow -- don't fret. If Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader had a heart to save his son, then obviously, you still have yours to save your own being because that last piece will conquer your whole and your heart knows best and it will only use it for the right person, which in Darth V's case; Luke. But as cliched as it may come off, for the lucky ones... they are right in front of you all along.

SO, in conclusion, this is probably the love I deserve from someone, but my heart and mind know me well enough that the only love I truly deserve is from myself. Alas, love yo self, accept yo self because no one's going to do it better than you do.

Two days of third wheeling my lovey-dovey friends at a local cafe have been kind of therapeutic. I asked for one word to start off my poem since I need to restart everything again -- it has been too long since I have last written anything that rhymed nor significant.

You might be surprised that there's no song title above, or you are not surprised because you don't give a damn. It is just... every song there is in my music library reminds me of each and every person I know or once knew and to my astonishment in this sudden realisation; there is not one single song that mirrors myself.

Moving on to the post, I have these thoughts I am willing to share -- as bloggers do. Sure, there might not be any songs that remind me of myself out there, however, words tend to contradict it. Hence, this post is, sort of, about yours truly.

It is funny how three words could simply shove people off your life temporarily; I am fine.
 Those three words could merely be what they are meant to be or otherwise.
I have seen it quite often that an individual tend to leave it be, even if the one who's saying it desperately wants tender loving care. But NO, they can't say it upfront because of their vulnerability and fear of being too... clingy, or useless or as if they can't take care of themselves. NO, they are not willing to lose that image of being strong, and independent.

It is heartbreaking that a person would lie to themselves for the sake of not wanting to burden anyone.
It is heartbreaking that you would rather bury your flaws, pain, midnight thoughts deep in the ground rather than letting it all out because you are terrified they will affect your friend's perception of you.
It is heartbreaking to know that you can't sleep, and it is already 3am and the pain in your chest stings even more as the time passes and you don't have anyone to talk to.
It is even more heartbreaking when someone actually asks you if there's anything wrong, if you want to talk about it, that they are all ears but you say; I am fine. 

The voices in your head are louder than the tunes from your headphones. You have tried your best to shut them out but these horrid voices, your dark thoughts... They are what's going to kill you, it almost did kill you. But you see, you are not a mess, burden, or anything negative, you are human and it is natural and it can be hard sometimes -- but you have gone this far. You have gone this far and why stop now? There's more to life than sulking, thinking about one thing that might matter to you now, but won't matter in the future. The world is huge, and the universe? More than this puny brain of mine could ever imagine.

Don't let a new year decide your change -- if you want to change, do it. Though it wont hurt to let your life goal be saying I am fine honestly. It sounds easy, but nothing sounds like what is meant.

Everywhere I go, every little step that my shaking legs able to take, all I hear is noise and all I see is people.. not just them in general; the judgments in their eyes; the way their smiles fade instantly into a straight line and they just.. stare at me, they stare--observing in disgust.

This is why I chose not to go out to face the cruelty of the world, reality has hit me harder than my uncle's old piano that fell off upstairs' window and accidentally knocked out poor Mr Finnegan(by 'knocked out' i meant, killed).

And so it begins, the life long journey of an outcast; a wallflower, a failure, a disappointment to mankind.. etc; I'm not usually like this to be honest.. and to be REALLY honest, I'm ALWAYS like THIS(depressed/sad/suicidal/whatever cliches that are relevant to the term/slang 'emo').
 I guess, I'm used to being this way that i know how to hide it all inside. Faking smiles and laughs are not as hard as you think they'd be, nevertheless, I've been faking my smiles for a long time to the point where I'm not quite sure what the purpose is; when to smile, what do I have to feel that could make me....smile? I am lost and terrified.

I do not know what happened to me, all I know is that I am sad and I do not know what to do. I tried to seek help but I can't seem to find an understanding ear nor a good friend. People often say a true friend will be there for you even when you fail.. where are they now? I don't want to sound selfish, but, yeah, I was there for them.. why can't they do the same for me? I'm not surprised if they think I'm a bad influence, they are right. Maybe, just maybe.. they're sick of me as much as I'm sick of myself.

Blades, pills, tea, cannabis.. they all helped me.. before. Though now... Now it's different. It's still unclear to me though. I have never ever found love, maybe it was there before but I've never really tried y'know.