piscespixies

Unforgiven by Beck

Beautiful War by Kings of Leon

And so, another day at the airport waiting to board the life or death journey in the solitary skyline. It still fascinates me how little everything is from up above despite this being my 8th time on a plane -- but the usual bitter aftertaste feels like a bucketful of lava being poured down to my soul. I like being alone and independent, at the same time, I dislike the everlasting loneliness within the fragment of my heart -- I am unsure how to comprehend it precisely but everyone has it, and everyone's familiar with it through and through.

Currently inside the plane that just took off -- my nose is itchy, I'm scared it will turn raw if I scratch it out of habit.
God knows how many passengers are in this plane... I wonder if any of them are as anxious as I am. I wonder if they are in love and having the greatest time of their lives. Maybe they could be in pain after a huge breakup or loss... What if they have thought about suicide at one point, like I did? This curiosity is similar to my itchy nose but this one is something that I cannot scratch -- life goes on anyway...

After listening to several tracks of Kings of Leon in the airport, I have now switched to Marcy's Playground to dive in a little bit deeper to hear what they had and of course, wonder how and why it affected their avid listeners or the ones within their generation. These are the useless things I think about when I want to escape the thought of uni -- well aware it being the first semester of my first year and all, but it is a slightly adequate excuse to just stray away from it for awhile because I am crazy as it is, don't really want my new reputation to be Batshit Crazy -- not that I care about what they think (ha ha).

There was a random thought that embarked during mass communication lecture regarding books; "I can write a book, and I will." Being a dreamer, in my opinion is a major blessing because there are endless possibilities and whimsical ideas. I am lucky enough as well to have a family that supports whatever dreams or ambitions I have or had ever since I was a naive, spoiled-af child.
When I was 8, I wanted to be The President, but only because CNN was frequently on and I saw how ridiculously horrible Bush was as America's president. At 12, I got addicted to astronomies and mythologies -- which led to the idea of being an archaeologist and astronomist. Few years passed, 16 years old, I asked dad if it was okay to take Philosophy as I realised how unbelievably curious I was and still am about life, BUT he said no. Then, I turned 17 and started writing every single day and by 18, I was 2 months in being an intern as asst. editor at a local magazine company. From that moment on, the love I have for writing increased rapidly and started making poetry, also bits and pieces of contents for a book that I created but put on hold. Present day, realising my capabilities and absurdly huge amount of passion, I am now taking communications degree with hopes that eventually, my knowledge regarding whatever I learn within these three years would suffice. Who knows I might end up being part of a rad company in New York, or London -- heck, could even be Paris! *crosses fingers*

Piazza, New York Catch by Belle & Sebastian

"I never realise how much I like being home unless I have been somewhere really different for a while..." - Juno (2007)

 Currently sitting at a cafe beside the university I'm attending that is still alien to me. My butt is slowly cramping uncomfortably to tell you the truth -- petition for more cushioned chairs s'il vous plaît. 

Here's something ironic; I never thought I would be one of those who would have multiple breakdowns longing for home. I used to think that leaving was the best thing that could potentially happen in my life – it could, time will tell I suppose.
I miss my cats though...

So, what's Piscespixies take on moving to a new country?
Be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared – however, mentality and emotions are possibly more significant considering you would be alone during the first few weeks or months and it can get difficult. BASICALLY, everything that Jimmy Eat World sang repeatedly on their track The Middle.

If only it is easy to be a chameleon in a such outgoing and extroverted environment. May I say, walking alone around the university makes me feel like the chorus of Beck's Loser. The positive, giddy side of me is convinced that it will get better, if not, much much more tolerable -- though, study wise, I don't have anything to worry about. I am grateful as heck to be in a prestigious university but emotional wise -- I pray that it gets better fast.

Till then, I'll wrap it up and say I miss home, the familiarity of it all... Here, it's not too bad, just glad it's finally my time to be independent and experience this side of life.

C'est la vie

Postcards From Italy by Beirut

Hello fellow human beings of this uncultured side of the internet (har de har har). It's been far too long since I have properly post anything of gaiety. Don't fret however, tons of shindigs have happened in the past undistinguished months since I have gone MIA. I am about to go to uni soon -- how soon? Like... Next week.

As predicted, my sanity is not quite intact (when has it ever?) Though I have practiced a lot of tolerance from major incompetence in August despite it being a what might have been a well-celebrated birthday month. OH the sheer joy of having an uncultured bane with no sense of morality nor humility in such life, caught up with the shallow side of the universe's sea.

Anyway, I have moved past that phase and staying put in this current situation where I should either school myself on how to adult or have yet another restless night knowing that I will be moving out of my childhood home with days I could count with my fingers. Quite frankly, the only thing as of now that sparks my interest is being able to practice independence.

Presumably, 20, in my point of view, is the right age for me to once and for all step out of my comfort zone completely. What I least look forward to in these circumstances is the long distance my s/o and I would face any day now. We'll make it, if God is willing.

Disclaimer: Last month, I was struggling with depression and unbelievable amount of anxiety which took me to listening to tunes that reflected what was inside. If you follow me on my soundcloud, you'd know I covered two songs, She Lays Down by The 1975 and Lua by Bright Eyes. Those who have immersed themselves into reading both songs and truly reflecting them, I am sure you'd understand where I'm coming from.

It was 6am, I couldn't get the song out of my head, I have to let it out, I have to. A quarter past 7 and on my third take... I never felt so... naked, completely helpless and vulnerable. Losing touch with my identity, it was something to think about thoroughly. I'm still basing everything with an I don't know. It's silly how lacking my confidence and self-esteem are now. *shrugs*




with hopes that you are in a far better state, physically, mentally and emotionally...
xo

Journal entry, 21st May 2016 [Unedited] :



Constantly belittled by words but mostly actions... I'm tired of hearing someone, idk.

Kodaline is slowly helping like it used to. Preferring being alone as oppose to potentially scarring someone permanently/temporarily....

I am not pissed anymore -- exhausted. Basically don't have an ounce of emotion to use even if it kills me.

I'm tired of having to proof something to everyone. I think I still haven't prioritise my own happiness first. 

I have found yet another gold to stack up the soul's wealth. And what should I do with the gold? Why, I share it of course. So I have found an artist/musician Chad VanGaalen who is from Calgary. VanGaalen has a similar soothing sound with Paper Kites, James Vincent McMorrow, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard -- basically the ultimate epitome of folk and I just... Do you know how amazing it feels to discover something incredibly heart warming at 7 in the morning when your windows are fogged up and birds are chirping? It is like... The universe is giving me a sign that it is definitely going to be a good day, well at least I hope it'd be considering my soul has been hugged by good tunes. Best be prepared with something as warm, winter is coming! x