piscespixies

Stuck On The Puzzle - Alex Turner

Note: I wrote this last night when I was out 

It is me. Wanting to get solid proof on how I am not worthy to be in a relationship of any kind with someone who loves me for whichever sides I have in my bipolar moments. Now I am sitting across him. I am not present as I took one dose of clonazepam which is making me feel light as a feather and it is obviously affecting my brain neurons as I struggle to type this out nor talk properly. I feel numb. I guess this is the point of the medicine; to feel nothing.

Some nights are silent. These are the nights where both parties give in. A lot of thoughts and unanswered questions revolve around our heads but none has the initiative to speak up. It hurts though because of how selfish it is. We cling to our egos as if our life depends on it. This is some Daughter's Still shit going on and this is what I have feared the most.

What happened to two best friends laughing incessantly out of the blue and not give a care in the world? We are growing old and there's nothing left to lose but our self perseverance and that scares me... Does it scare you too?

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - Perks of Being A Wallflower

After hours hearing Charlie's words inside of my head, I wonder if I still accept the love I think I deserve even if the love that was given was merely what normal women would consider; inefficient.

An egoist or perfectionist would not settle for anything less. However, with the quote to support my unethical conscience in the midst of my hazy mind, questions after questions stacking on top one another began to unravel something so... cliched and possibly a fact; this is the love I deserve.

Jotting down my battles and misadventures in the past trying to search for someone who was worthy to receive all the love I have stored inside my heart-shaped box, I realised I went for guys who cling to the idea of me. Those guys could never, ever accept the truth that I am indeed as messed up as they are, but I was not afraid to show it. What they did after was amusing as they made it easier for me to let go and move on. They either ran, verbally/emotionally abused me, or the best one so far... spread rumours on how little of a person I am. Mock my beliefs or words as you please, but if you are among the clever ones -- you would know better, I would've known better.

It is indeed safe to say that I have suffered a long-term love/hate relationship with relationships in general. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't be traumatised by the wrongs and unfortunates circumstances in the life long battle to find love?
I guess what I am trying to let out through this mildly-cray babbles is that you are bound to experience a variety of love from individuals that may or may not contradict who you are, and you might give away bits of your heart until it feels hollow -- don't fret. If Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader had a heart to save his son, then obviously, you still have yours to save your own being because that last piece will conquer your whole and your heart knows best and it will only use it for the right person, which in Darth V's case; Luke. But as cliched as it may come off, for the lucky ones... they are right in front of you all along.

SO, in conclusion, this is probably the love I deserve from someone, but my heart and mind know me well enough that the only love I truly deserve is from myself. Alas, love yo self, accept yo self because no one's going to do it better than you do.

Two days of third wheeling my lovey-dovey friends at a local cafe have been kind of therapeutic. I asked for one word to start off my poem since I need to restart everything again -- it has been too long since I have last written anything that rhymed nor significant.