piscespixies

Everywhere I go, every little step that my shaking legs able to take, all I hear is noise and all I see is people.. not just them in general; the judgments in their eyes; the way their smiles fade instantly into a straight line and they just.. stare at me, they stare--observing in disgust.

This is why I chose not to go out to face the cruelty of the world, reality has hit me harder than my uncle's old piano that fell off upstairs' window and accidentally knocked out poor Mr Finnegan(by 'knocked out' i meant, killed).

And so it begins, the life long journey of an outcast; a wallflower, a failure, a disappointment to mankind.. etc; I'm not usually like this to be honest.. and to be REALLY honest, I'm ALWAYS like THIS(depressed/sad/suicidal/whatever cliches that are relevant to the term/slang 'emo').
 I guess, I'm used to being this way that i know how to hide it all inside. Faking smiles and laughs are not as hard as you think they'd be, nevertheless, I've been faking my smiles for a long time to the point where I'm not quite sure what the purpose is; when to smile, what do I have to feel that could make me....smile? I am lost and terrified.

I do not know what happened to me, all I know is that I am sad and I do not know what to do. I tried to seek help but I can't seem to find an understanding ear nor a good friend. People often say a true friend will be there for you even when you fail.. where are they now? I don't want to sound selfish, but, yeah, I was there for them.. why can't they do the same for me? I'm not surprised if they think I'm a bad influence, they are right. Maybe, just maybe.. they're sick of me as much as I'm sick of myself.

Blades, pills, tea, cannabis.. they all helped me.. before. Though now... Now it's different. It's still unclear to me though. I have never ever found love, maybe it was there before but I've never really tried y'know.